How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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