My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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