It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
