best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Randomize
