remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
