I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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