my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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