Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
