you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
