my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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