the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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