I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
