now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
