The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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