1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
