I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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