his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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