this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
