I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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