The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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