does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
zippers are such a cool invention
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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