new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
