i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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