Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
