Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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