im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
