Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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