good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
