ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
