he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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