I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
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