I murdered the dance floor call the cops
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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