New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
