I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
