here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
