I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
