Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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