oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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