This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
