I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
