i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
