Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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