Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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