I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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