I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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