Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
