Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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