The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
