he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I intend to get homeless drunk
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
