Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
