I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
