He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
